


Show Me

by Toshi_Neku



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, But they figure it out, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, boyf riends — Freeform, jeremy pov, these boys are idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-08 19:38:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11088540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toshi_Neku/pseuds/Toshi_Neku
Summary: As long as Jeremy remembers, he's never seen Michael take off his hoodie. As far as he knew, Michael could have been born in the thing.One day, he finds out what lies underneath.





	Show Me

Jeremy wondered when it started. For as long as he could remember, Michael had worn that faded red hoodie. No matter the time of day or the temperature outside, it was Michael’s constant. Jeremy wanted to ask him about it (isn’t it uncomfortable in the summer?), but felt as if he’d be touching on a sensitive subject, somehow.

Ever since the Squip incident, Michael had kept a slight distance. They were back to being best friends, but Jeremy couldn’t push away the feeling that Michael was keeping him an arm-length's away.

.x.

It was the last week of Junior year, and the school’s AC had broken. Teachers had resorted to propping open the school’s doors, and it was unclear if it was helping. Exhausted and irritated students complained about the hot air coming indoors, explaining that it was more stifling outside. Nobody made the move to trap the hot air inside.

In class, Jeremy sat at his desk, chin propped in an open palm. “At least there’s a breeze,” he hummed to himself. It was halfway through the day. Lunch was the period previous, and there were two classes remaining. However, not even the school day’s upcoming end seemed to cheer up the grumpy teens.

Jeremy’s History teacher droned on at the front of the class, and he sighed, tuning them out and getting lost in thought. Next class was gym. Had Michael not switched to the same period at the beginning of the semester, Jeremy might have felt impending dread, but the boys helped one another get through the hour-long hell.

Glancing at the clock, it seemed to Jeremy that time was moving slower than usual. When the bell finally rang, there were resounding sighs and groans of relief from the student body.

Eager to see his best friend, Jeremy quickly gathered his books, slung his bag over one shoulder, and cantered out of the classroom. After stopping by his locker to grab his gym uniform, Jeremy glanced around for that telltale hoodie. It wasn’t long before he spotted Michael meandering over.

“Hey Michael!” Jeremy grinned, striding forward to meet his shorter friend in the middle. A brief flash of concern made its way over Jeremy’s face. Michael looked absolutely _beat._

“Hey buddy. How’s it hangin’?” Michael smiled lazily up at the other boy, rounded cheeks rosier than usual. Jeremy took in Michael’s sleepy expression. It would be hard to spot, for most people - of course, Jeremy isn’t ‘most people.’

“Hey man, are you alright? You look exhausted, and we haven’t even started gym.” The small, delicate space between Jeremy’s brows crinkled.

Straightening up (ha), Michael quickly adjusted his expression to a wide, easygoing grin. “What? ‘Course I’m fine!” He pushed up his glasses and turned. “C’mon, we’re gonna be late for class.”

This served to heighten Jeremy’s concern. Since when did his lazy stoner of a best friend care about being on time for class - especially gym?

“Hey, uh M-mike--” Jeremy called out, but Michael was already halfway down the hall, waving for his friend to follow. Shrugging to himself, Jeremy followed, worries pushed further back in his conscience.

.x.

After changing (Well, Jeremy changed. Michael just slipped into some shorts), they headed outside to join the rest of the students. Rich was in their class too, and sidled over to bump shoulders with Jeremy. While the teacher explained their activities for the day, Rich mumbled.

“Hey dude, what’s up with Michael? It’s a freakin’ hundred degrees out and he’s still wearing his hoodie.” Jeremy was surprised at the other’s concern. “Seriously, is it a second skin or something?”

While he said this, Rich’s expression was genuine, so Jeremy replied, “I...don’t know. I can’t say I remember him without it.” Rich’s eyebrows shot up, but a stern look from the teacher kept him quiet.

Rather than letting the students stay inside, the teacher decided to be extra uncaring and was having the class run laps around the track. Their finishing time for a mile would determine the grade they got. Several students whined about the task, but did as they were told and dragged their feet over to the field.

Jeremy glanced at Michael, who hadn’t even pushed his sleeves up. The short breeze from earlier had completely stilled, and there were no clouds in sight to cover the unforgiving sun’s rays.

“Are you going to be alright, Michael?” Jeremy voiced quietly. His shorter friend perked up, waving away his concerns. “Relax, dude! We both suck at physical activities,” Michael accentuated this with a wink, “But it’ll be over in an hour.”

Humming in response, Jeremy cast his worried gaze to the squishy track turf beneath their feet. The teacher hurried the stragglers to the starting line and, once the 30 students appeared as ready as they could be, blew the whistle to start.

Rich immediately took off, striding easily to the front of the pack. Jeremy and Michael kept near the end of the crowd, wanting to conserve energy. They chatted about random things (“I got a new game for us to try, wanna come over and test it out?” “Sure dude, whenever you’re free.”) before Jeremy noted Michael slowing more than their turtle-speed pace.

The shorter boy was breathing heavier and sweating more. Jeremy would have found the sight attractive, if not for his growing anxiety over his friend.

Rich called out to the pair, easily a full lap ahead of them and catching up, fast. “C’mon _ladies_ , what’s the hold up?” Rich sniggered in good nature, lisp more prominent through his labored breaths. Jeremy rolled his eyes, about to retort when he noticed Michael’s unusual silence. By now, Michael would have replied in a snarky comeback, but nothing came.

Turning to Michael, Jeremy opened his mouth in question, only to have his jaw snap quickly and painfully shut. Michael had taken a few more wobbly steps before collapsing to the ground in a heap.

Rich reacted first, catching up to Michael and kneeling down by his side. Jeremy had frozen, eyes wide in terror. Rich’s worried calls for Michael had Jeremy snapping out of it and by his friend’s side in an instant.

“Michael! M-mike, are you okay?” Jeremy was too scared to hear the shakiness of his own voice. “What’s wrong, why won’t you wake up? Michael? Michael!!” He had grasped Michael’s shoulders and started shaking him in an attempt to rouse him back to consciousness.

By this point, most students had stopped running, and the teacher approached. They observed his state before gruffly addressing the worried boys. “Heere, Goranski, get Mell to the nurse’s office. Quickly.”

Nodding, Rich grasped Jeremy’s shaking hand and got him to stand. Each boy took hold of Michael from under his arms, and carefully carried him back into the school. It would have been funny, seeing as Rich was shorter than Jeremy by a good foot, but even bystanders could see the seriousness of the situation. Jeremy was sure that Rich was carrying most of the weight, as he could barely move himself forward on his shaky legs.

.x.

Soon, Michael was in a bed in the nurse’s office, reclined with a cool pack on his forehead. The nurse had demanded Michael’s hoodie be removed, swearing about ‘reckless young boys,’ and ‘dangerous teen behavior during summer.’

Both Jeremy and Rich hesitated at the nurse’s demands, but complied, seeing Michael’s face nearly matching the hoodie’s in hue. They took handfuls of the red fabric, one on either side of the small cot, and tugged it up and off as gently as possible. One of the sleeves got caught on Michael’s hands, and Jeremy had to grasp a wrist to pull it free.

The skin beneath Jeremy’s fingertips felt...wrong. It was rough and bumpy. Turning over the appendage in his hands, Jeremy gazed down in terror at the inside of his best friend’s arm.

“Is this..”

By now, Rich was looking too, staring unwavering at the arm he had a hold on.

“It can’t--”

A sob bubbled up in Jeremy’s throat, bursting free, along with heavy tears that cascaded down his sharp cheeks. Michael had hurt himself. On purpose. His arms were littered up and down with cuts and scratches. Some were long, some brief, some almost completely healed, some new. There were round marks that had swelled up, clusters here and there.

It wasn’t the first time Jeremy felt his heart break this year, but this time, it hit hard.

“This is because of me.”

Rich’s head snapped up, and he stared hard at Jeremy. “Jerm, you don’t know tha--”

“It’s my fault! Why else would Michael Mell, Mr. Overconfident and sure-of-himself do THIS?!” Jeremy nearly shrieked at his other friend.

“We don’t know that it was because of you. Hell, we barely know the guy after the Sq--”

“Exactly!” Jeremy was shaking all over. “I cast away my best friend for some stupid drug that nearly destroyed the school. I wasn’t there for him, he was all alone, all the time. He was--” Jeremy cut himself off, feeling his throat close up. He couldn’t see anything clearly anymore through the tears.

He had to get out of there.

Sprinting much faster than in gym, Jeremy burst past a confused nurse and out of the office. He ignored Rich shouting for him. He didn’t even go to the gym to change back into his normal clothes. Too broken up, Jeremy got on his bike (which he had taken to school during the Squip days, as he was too cool for Michael to drive him) and rode at breakneck speed to get home. His father questioned him when he slammed the front door, but he couldn’t hear the words as he made his way to his room. Jeremy threw himself on his bed to try and calm his breathing - whether from remaining panic or from the bike ride home - and buried his hands in his unruly hair.

Michael Mell had hurt himself. Michael Mell had been hiding it from him. It was his fault.

The tears returned full-force, Jeremy continued to cry until he had no more tears. After that, he drank some of the leftover booze his mom had left behind in the fridge (his father refused to touch it). It was probably expired, but it was better than nothing.

Come morning, Jeremy made a decision. He would save his best friend. He would help his life to be better than it was before the Squip.

Jeremy would avoid his best friend, erase himself from Michael’s life, so he could go on living.

.x.

When Jeremy got to school, he realized how poorly-planned his idea was. How can you avoid your best friend when you go to the same school? He was surprised when Michael hadn’t texted him.

He found out from Jake that Rich had watched over Michael until he woke up, and that Michael decided to stay home today. Rich hadn’t brought up the scars, but without his hoodie on to cover them, Michael figured he had been caught.

“It was a light heat stroke. Since he never takes his hoodie off, it was bound to happen, in this heat.” Jake appeared more calm than Rich or himself had been, but Jeremy knew he was concerned in his own way.

The day went by quickly. Jeremy figured he didn’t have to worry about being seen by Michael, so he could go about things as usual. As...usual as he could, without his best friend with him.

Rich probably told all their friends (though how much they were informed was unclear), and Jeremy received several glances filled with worry and pity throughout the day. _“_

 _They shouldn’t look at me like that...I’m not the one who’s hurt. I_ did _the hurting. This isn’t fair to Michael.”_

.x.

In gym, Rich apologized to Jeremy.

“I’m sorry about yesterday. We were both pretty freaked out, but I figure it hit you the hardest. Just...try and talk to Michael. Don’t blame yourself so much.”

“ _Easy for you to say,_ ” Jeremy grumbled in his thoughts.

.x.

Michael hadn’t turned up at school the next day, either. The weekend passed uneventfully and agonizingly slowly. Still no texts from Michael.

“He must hate me,” Jeremy sadly said to himself.

On Monday, when Jeremy returned to school, he pivoted and headed in the opposite direction at the slightest glance of faded red. He was still too scared to face Michael.

.x.

It wasn’t until Wednesday, a week after Michael collapsed, that Jeremy heard from Michael. It was through a text.

From Michael: **hey jer. sorry about passing out. havent heard from you in a while, whats up?**

Jeremy opened the text and read it. Directly afterwards, he marked it unread, praying that Michael hadn’t seen. Guilt swirled around in his gut, but Jeremy refused to enter and ruin Michaels life. Again.

Resolve overcoming the guilt, Jeremy turned his phone off and put it in his bag.

_“Grief changes shape, but it never ends….huh.”_

.x.

Jeremy was internally praising himself at being able to avoid Michael until the weekend. It was only two days, but they were agonizing. The excitable boy had tried to stop Jeremy in the halls and by his locker, in gym and after school. After a while, Jeremy stopped seeing Michael, and figured he had moved on.

This was for the best. Michael deserved a good, happy life, without Jeremy there to weigh him down.

Jeremy tried to ignore his heart shattering, but it wasn’t as easily pushed away as Michael Mell.

.x.

The next Monday found Jeremy Heere violently pinned to his locker before class by Rich Goranski.

“You asshole.” Rich spoke in a dangerously low tone. His hands were shaking from where they were buried in Jeremy’s shirt collar. “You complete, clueless dickwad. I oughta break your nose for what you’ve been doing.”

Jeremy hadn’t fought back, he didn’t deserve to, but he couldn’t help but wonder what had the short, fiery boy so worked up.

“Listen Rich, I don’t know what you’re talking abou--”

“ _EXCUSE_ me? You don’t _know_??” With his words, Rich heaved Jeremy forwards and slammed him back into the unforgiving metal behind him. “Your best friend is on the verge of suicide and you _don’t know_??”

Jeremy froze. “He...what?”

“You’re avoiding Michael Mell and it’s only making things worse! He feels like he ruined everything, he doesn’t know how to talk to you because you’ve been avoiding him again. Have you even bothered to check your phone?”

At this, Jeremy blanched. Shaking off Rich to reach in his bag, Jeremy turned on his phone and gasped. He had dozens of unread texts, the majority of them being from Michael. He silently scrolled through the few from this morning.

From Christine: **Jeremy, I know you’re going through a hard time, but I think you should talk to Michael. He seems really upset.**

From Chloe: **dude, what’d you do to michael? he’s like hella depressed**

From Brooke: **Are you okay? Is Michael okay???**

From Jake: **Maybe watch out for Rich this morning. He’s really angry at you for ignoring Michael. Can’t say I’m not upset, too. Just...talk to Michael. You won’t know how things are unless you discuss it.**

Jeremy felt horrible. Everyone had been there for Michael, except him. He took a deep breath and opened Michael’s texts.

From Michael **: so...havent heard from you in a few days. you lose your phone** **or something?**

From Michael: **look, if i did anything to upset you, im really sorry, jer**

From Michael: **jeremy, please respond, i’m getting worried.**

From Michael: **i won’t push it, but itd be nice to know youre okay**

From Michael: **Jeremy**

From Michael: **I’m sorry.**

Tears stung the corners of Jeremy’s eyes. Michael had been hurting worse because Jeremy had ignored him again, and he thought it was from something he did.

Rich stared Jeremy down, calmer than before, but no less angry. He sighed. “Look, I know the past school year has been the hardest on you two. But you need to go talk to Michael before something worse happens.”

Jeremy ran a hand through his hair and glanced sheepishly at Rich. “I’m sor--”

He was interrupted when Jake walked up, and placed a hand on Rich’s shoulder.

“Dude? Just go.” Jeremy saw Jake’s tired, lazy smile and was reminded of his best friend. Nodding shakily, he picked up his bag and wandered away. He walked out to the fountain outside the cafetorium. Sitting down, he placed his head in his hands.

He listened to the birds chirp happily and the muffled chattering of students making their way into the front of the school. He pulled out his phone again and, before he could regret it, sent a quick message to Michael.

To Michael: **I’m sorry for avoiding you. Meet me at the fountain outside?**

He was terrified to press send, but not two minutes later, Jeremy heard the telltale labored breathing, slap of white tennies on concrete, and the jingle of the various keychains hung from Michael’s backpack that he would recognize anywhere.

Jeremy looked up to see his best friend in a Joy Division t-shirt, red hoodie discarded. Glancing down, Jeremy saw the various colored band-aids and bracelets littering the shorter boy’s arms. Among them rested two hospital admission bracelets.

Michael seemed to notice the direction of his gaze, because he established a sheepish, almost shy expression.

“Michael, I--”

Michael held up his hands, not meeting Jeremy’s eyes. “No, listen...Look, Jer, I know you saw my arms. I know it’s disgusting and I’m really selfish for hurting myself. I’d understand if you don’t want to be my frie--”

“What?!” Jeremy was shocked. Why would Michael think he did anything wrong?

“Michael, you didn’t do anything! I’ve been a total jerk for the past week and a half, probably longer. What kind of person would call themselves your friend if they didn’t even notice…” Jeremy broke off to gesture to Michael’s arms.

Standing and stepping closer, Jeremy stared down at the ground. “I’ve been nothing but horrible to you since the Squip thing, and you deserve better than someone like me. I ran away when you were hurting. I’m so sorry...So sorry.”

After Jeremy trailed off, suddenly scared to continue, he dared to look up at Michael, expression quivering.

Michael  searched Jeremy’s eyes before seeming to shrink in on himself. “We’ve both been pretty stupid, huh Jer?” He looked down at his arms and tugged on his backpack straps, for lack of sleeves to cover himself. Jeremy sighed sadly before taking one of Michael’s arms and running a thumb over the various band-aids.

“I wish you would have told me. When did you start this? I..” Jeremy couldn’t bring himself to look at Michael’s face. He saw Michael’s fingers clench.   
  
“I didn’t want to freak you out. Plus when it started, you kinda wished I was never born, heh.” Michael chuckled and took his arm back. 

Jeremy wanted to cry. “That was the Squip, Michael! I know I consciously pushed you away, but I never wanted you gone from my life. Not truly.”

“Well, I guess I took your place, then. Not wanting to be...here.” It was a vague statement, but Jeremy knew the meaning behind the implication. 

Michael actually wanted to die? What kind of friend - best friend - pushes someone away when they’re hurting to this extent?

“Look Jeremy, it’s not a big deal. I went to the hospital, they kept me there a few days, I’m fine.” It was stated somewhat coldly and aloof. Jeremy panicked.

“It’s not! You’re not fine, Michael. You hurt yourself because I’m the world’s biggest asshole. If you’re still this down, how could the hospital have helped?” Jeremy was scared to say anything further. He was unsure if his words meant anything, anymore.

Michael looked up, expression unreadable. “You were the world’s biggest asshole.”

Jeremy felt his heart sink. This was for the best, Michael deserved someone better--

“But you can’t be anymore, or else why would you be talking to me, now?” 

Jeremy’s head whipped up so fast, he thought he heard something snap.

Suddenly, Michael smiled sweetly (like an angel, Jeremy thought) and bravely took one of Jeremy’s hands. Without much thought, or perhaps out of habit, Jeremy laced their fingers snugly together. Michael took a deep breath to stabilize himself before speaking.

“Jeremy, the past 7 months have been...honestly, awful. I couldn’t help but feel like you’d leave me again after the Squip was destroyed. You’re way cooler and more social than I am, and you deserve to be friends with someone other than me. Someone better than Michael Mell, high school junior and renowned fuck-up.”

Jeremy opened his mouth to retort, but Michael’s laugh interrupted him.

“But I don’t want to think this way. We’ve been friends forever, how could that be ruined by some japanese supercomputer?” Michael looked to the side, shrugging one shoulder. “You’ve always been someone special to me. My favorite person. The only...person, really.”

At this, Michael looked up through his lashes at Jeremy, thick glasses sliding down his nose. Jeremy’s heart fluttered, and he gripped Michael’s hand tighter.

“Yo-you’re my favorite person, too! I’m so sorry I ever took that drug and ignored you. I never wanted you hurt like this…” Jeremy tried lowering his gaze again, but Michael’s free hand found his cheek.

“I don’t regret the Squip.”

Jeremy flinched. “B-but why? It hurt us, it hurt you!”

“Because now, I can kiss you.”

And suddenly Michael’s face was a lot closer than Jeremy remembered it being. His cheeks burned so hotly, he swore his ears were on fire. Michael stood on his tiptoes, thumb running lightly over the baby skin between Jeremy’s own thumb and index finger. Leaning close enough to be breathing the same air, Michael brushed his nose against Jeremy’s, eye contact breaking to find his lips.

“Can I?”

Jeremy was going to have a heart attack. He was going to keel over outside the high school cafetorium because Michael Mell was a complete sap.

“Y...y-ye--”

Before he could finish bumbling a reply, Jeremy was silenced by Michael’s soft (good lord, he was _soft_ ) lips covering his own chapped ones.

It was weird, at first. Jeremy had little experience, and as far as he knew, Michael was even more clueless than him, but when Michael ran his hand up Jeremy’s jaw to cup his ear and turn their faces just right, Jeremy melted.

He forgot about the week’s anxiety, and about his unfinished homework, and about their worried friends. He forgot they were outside where anyone could see, and how late to class him and Michael were going to be.

He forgot he was supposed to be holding their weight up-- Squeaking against Michael’s mouth, Jeremy fell backwards, their linked hands dragging Michael down as well. The backs of Jeremy’s knees hit the cinder block wall surrounding the fountain, and the boys tumbled into the shallow (likely unsanitary) water.

The two stared at one another in shock for a moment before bursting into laughter. Jeremy’s hiccuping giggles blended with Michael’s nasally snorts. The world was revolving around the two. If Michael tripped on Jeremy’s book bag while standing up, and if Jeremy banged his knees on the concrete while getting out, neither said a thing.

They headed back inside, soaking wet, hand in hand.

It wasn't perfect. But it was good. Very good.

.x.

Fin~

**Author's Note:**

> And if Rich and Jake gave them knowing smirks in lunch, or if Chloe squealed about their sodden state to Brooke, or if Jenna and Christine wished them good luck in their future endeavors, Michael and Jeremy would smile and grip the other’s hand all the tighter.


End file.
